Red Dwarf

Original title : Camille
First Aired : 14.02.1991 (UK)
Director : Ed Bye
Writing credits : Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
Cast : Judy Pascoe (Mechanoid Camille), Francesca Folan (Hologram Camille), Suzanne Rhatigan (Human Camille), Rupert Bates (Hector)

The Story : Lister tries in vain to teach Kryten how to lie, insult, cheat and disobey orders. Lister gives up when Rimmer calls Kryten on a trip "moon-hopping". On the trip, Kryten discovers a distress call and goes to inspect it against Rimmer's orders (The planet could blow up soon). Kryten rescues a "female" droid called Camille who he falls in love with, even though droids aren't supposed to have feelings like that. Kryten takes Camille back to Starbug, but when Rimmer sees her, she's a hologram who is interested in him. They bring her back to Red Dwarf and then Lister sees a human female with tastes similar to him. Lister notices how everyone reacts to Camille and she confesses to Lister that she is a Pleasure GELF (Genetically Engineered Life Form), programmed to be everyone's perfect companion. The Cat goes to see, and it is not surprising that he sees himself! The GELF turns into her true form at Kryten's request which is a huge green blob. Despite her apalling appearance, Kryten still decides to ask her to dinner, then the movies (Casablanca). A pod arrives containing Hector (Camille's "Husband"), who wants to find a cure for their condition. Kryten (at his own disappointment), convinces her to go.

Original title : D.N.A.
First Aired : 21.02.1991 (UK)
Director : Ed Bye
Writing credits : Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
Cast : Richard Ridings (DNA Computer voice)

The Story : The crew stumble upon a deserted space ship of non-human origin and Rimmer believes it is an alien ship. They go inside to search the ship and Kryten and Rimmer discover the remains of a three-headed creature. They find a wallet on him with human artifacts such as credit cards, license etc. and Kryten suggests that something has changed his physical form. Meanwhile, Cat and Lister find a machine with a Star Trek style computer panel. Cat begins playing with it and accidentally traps Lister in a pink beam. A deep voice announces that a transmogrification is about to take place. When Cat tries to get him free, Lister turns into a chicken. Rimmer and Kryten come along and while Cat is showing what he did to Lister, he traps Kryten in the beam. He manages to change Lister back to a human, but when he does the same for Kryten, it actually transforms him into a human, rather than just setting him free. Back on Red Dwarf, Kryten is delighted with his new-found humanity. However he soon starts to tire of it after talking to his spare heads and realising that he has betrayed his kind, and wants to be changed back. They go back aboard the ship and Holly says she thinks she has the computer all figured out. Rimmer decides it best if she tries it on something else first. She tries Lister's curry and turns it into a monster by mistake. After being chased all over the ship, Lister decides the only way to defeat it is to turn him into a superhuman. Holly turns him into something like Robocop, but tiny. (about 1 1/2' tall), Lister eventually defeats the Curry Monster with a can of lager (the only thing that can kill a vindaloo).

Original title : Justice
First Aired : 28.02.1991 (UK)
Director : Ed Bye
Writing credits : Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
Cast : Nicholas Ball (Simulant), James Smillie (Justice Computer voice)

The Story : Lister is in bed with the space mumps when he hears the news that the gang has brought aboard a cryo-pod from a prison ship which possibly contains a guard named Barbara Bellini. Lister inspects the pod and begins the thawing process which Rimmer objects to saying that there were two survivors aboard the ship: Ms Bellini and a Simulant prisoner (droids who are noted to be murderous and insane). Since they cannot stop the thaw process they decide to travel to the prison colony that the ship was heading for. They arrive on the space station and walk through a white light which Kryten says is a mind probe to seek out any unpunished criminal activity. Lister gets very edgy and confesses that he had committed some minor crimes as a teenager. The justice computer passes his verdict on them: Kryten and Cat get off, Lister does barely and Rimmer is sentenced to 9000 years in prison for the second degree murder of the Red Dwarf's complement of 1167 personnel (not counting himself or Lister). Kryten believes that he can defend Rimmer on the verdict and he fronts up to the justice computer telling it about Rimmer's inadequacy and hopelessness. The computer eventually concedes that Rimmer could not have been held accountable for the deaths and releases him. Meanwhile the pod has thawed and the occupant has escaped. Naturally it is the simulant who was inside and he chases them through the colony. Lister finally beats him by using the justice field's power (whatever crime you commit against someone else, the consequences happen to you). When the simulant fires at Lister, the bullets hit him instead of Lister, when he throws a knife, it comes back and hits him and so forth. The gang head back to Red Dwarf with Lister droning on about justice and freedom until he falls down a manhole. "Thank God for that" remarks Cat.

Original title : White Hole
First Aired : 07.03.1991 (UK)
Director : Ed Bye
Writing credits : Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
Cast : David Ross (Talkie Toaster)

The Story : Kryten attempts to use a technique called 'Intelligence Compression' on Holly by reducing her life span to restore her I.Q. of 6000. Unfortunately he botches it and Holly gets an I.Q. of 12000 but she only has 3 minutes of life remaining. She powers down the ship to preserve her lifespan and the crew have to fend for themselves without heat or power. On their way back from collecting supplies, Kryten and Rimmer experience a strange time phenomena in the hallway where time slows down in one part and quickens up in another. Kryten believes that there is a White Hole out in space which has the opposite affect of a Black Hole by throwing time back into the universe. During their conversation they switch places and repeat things they have already said. Rimmer consults Holly about the white hole and she suggests firing a rocket into a nearby sun a causing a solar flare to knock a planet into the hole, rather like playing pool with the planets. Lister scoffs at her coordinates saying that he can play better pool than Holly. Rimmer argues with Lister and suggests a vote which Lister wins 3 to 1. Lister prepares for his pool shot by getting drunk but concentrates hard enough to play a trick shot, bouncing 3 planets off each other to throw the last one into the hole. As the effects of the white hole wears off and gang begin to vanish from that part of space, Kryten takes the opportunity to deliver an extremely good insult to Rimmer.

Original title : Dimension Jump
First Aired : 14.03.1991 (UK)
Director : Ed Bye
Writing credits : Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
Cast : Chris Barrie (Commander Arnold 'Ace' Rimmer), Craig Charles (Spanners), Danny John-Jules (Padre), Robert Llewellyn (Bongo), Hattie Hayridge (Mellie), Kalli Greenwood (Rimmer's Mum), Simon Gaffney (young Rimmer), Hetty Baynes (Cockpit Computer Voice)

The Story : A young Rimmer is told by his mother that he is in danger of being held back a year in school and it could change his life forever. 30 years later, Arnold 'Ace' Rimmer, Test Pilot for the Space Corps Special Service, lands his jet safely and greets his friends; Spanners, an engineer resembling Lister; Padre, a priest who looks like Cat; Bongo, Kryten without his mechanoid suit; and Mellie, bearing a striking likeness to a full-bodied Holly. Bongo informs Ace of a special space craft that can cross dimensions which Ace immediately volunteers to test fly, even though he cannot come back to his reality. Aboard Red Dwarf Lister, Kryten and Cat try to sneak off to go fishing but accidentally wake up Rimmer and are forced to bring him. They head off in Starbug where they crash into Ace's spaceship and crash land on the ocean planet. Ace heads down to Starbug and offers his assistance to repair the engine and Rimmer takes an instant dislike to him. Ace and Lister repair the engine and they return to Red Dwarf where Ace again shows off his superiority by operating on Cat's broken leg and then fixing his own broken arm. Rimmer continues to wail on about how much he hates Ace until Ace decides to leave saying that he too cannot stand this other side of himself. He tells Lister of the decision that was made in their childhood and reveals which one of them was left behind in school (can you guess? 'cos i'm not telling!), Ace leaves aboard his ship while Rimmer plays his Hammond Organ Owners Society CD's to the skutters.

Original title : Meltdown
First Aired : 21.03.1991 (UK)
Director : Ed Bye
Writing credits : Rob Grant & Doug Naylor
Cast : Clayton Mark (Elvis), Roger Blake (Noel Coward), Kenneth Hadley (Hitler), Pauline Baily (Marilyn Monroe), Martin Friend (Einstein), Stephen Tiller (Pythagoras), Jack Klaff (Abraham Lincoln), Tony Hawks (Caligula), Michael Burrell (Pope Gregory), Forbes Masson (Stan Laurel)

The Story : Kryten discovers a matter transporter in the research labs and the crew decide to teleport somewhere. It takes Rimmer and Kryten to a planet with a breathable atmosphere, but several (unrealistic), monsters chase them and eventually they get captured by Elvis and Pope Gregory. Cat and Lister, on the other hand are brought to the Third Reich HQ where Hitler, Goering and Goebbels are preparing a battle. Because they don't know how to use the matter paddle properly and cannot leave, Lister and Cat are captured and thrown in prison. Rimmer and Kryten are taken to a barracks where Einstein, Pythagoras, Stan Laurel and Marilyn Monroe are arguing. They are told about the planet being a giant wax theme park where the wax droids have been left for millions of years and have broken their programming. Kryten and Rimmer are informed about a war between the good characters and the evil ones which will soon be over as the goodies are hopelessly outnumbered. Rimmer declares that it is his destiny to lead them in the war and inspects his 'troops'; forcing Ghandi to do pushups and insulting St Francis of Asisi. The Cat and Lister manage to escape prison with the help of Abraham Lincoln and head back. Lister objects to Rimmer's battle plans so Rimmer orders Elvis to arrest him and Cat. Rimmer eventually 'wins' the war by sending all his troops across a minefield except Queen Victoria and Kryten, who shoot Hitler and then turn up the heaters so everyone melts. Lister is disgusted at Rimmer's attitude toward killing the entire population of the planet and swallows Rimmer's light-bee, which projects his image.